"My Brown Eyed 38 lb Mirror"

"Then Jesus said to his disciples:  "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear.  Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes.  Consider the ravens:  They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them.  And how much more valuable you are than birds!  Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?  Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?"  Luke 12: 22 - 26

"First day of school"

I feel like I say this every week but this has been a big week.  Joan started school on Monday.  She was so excited!  I was excited for her but my heart ached thinking about her being gone all day.  I feels like there is a gap in my heart because she can't tell me what she has done for the past 8 hours.  She is very good at telling me what she wants me to know.  However, she can pick and choose what to include and if I want to ask her, "who did you play with today?", we do not have enough language skills to ask and answer that question.  I am blessed that she has a teacher that has embraced Joan's strengths and weaknesses.  I remember getting new students and as much as I loved the students, it's more work than you realize to get the student acclimated into the classroom environment.  All day Monday, I wondered what she was doing...what was she thinking...  Derrick made it clear, "NO school for me mom! Me NO go to school with Joan."  He did okay without her.  Every morning, I park the car and walk Joan inside so that I can make sure that she walks with someone to class and have conversation with one of the teachers.  I'm sure eventually, I will be driving through the line and dropping her off but for now, this works best for all of us.  Well, by the second day, Joan was instructing me that all of the other parents go through the carpool line and she would like to be dropped off there.  Oh my goodness!  She is so smart and it makes me tired!  What she doesn't have with hearing, God has blessed her abundantly with her eyes and mind.  She doesn't miss anything and I mean anything.  The afternoon of the second day, I was informed that there had been a "minor" altercation on the playground involving the swings and "waiting for your turn".  DAY TWO...  trouble.  Joan is a survivor.  She has learned how to live basically on her on for most of her life.  Now, she has all of this "help" that she doesn't think she really needs.  She accepts it but in her mind she doesn't need it.  She hasn't asked for help.  It's just given to her.  Isn't that what God says about me?  "You have all of the help you need from ME...Just take it. Receive it.  I give it to you freely."  How do I respond?  Sometimes, truth be told, reluctantly, just like Joan.  Oh Lord, you've given me a 38 pound mirror with brown eyes.  Day three:  Altercation with the lunch box in the lunch line...I'm not sure all of the details about this one but the positive is that the child on the receiving end learned the sign for the word "sorry" in sign language...that's all I know.  Forgiveness...that's a hard one to learn.  That's a story for another time.  So, I guess overall school has been a positive experience for Joan and for Joan's class.  All I can say is it is a gift to learn compassion.  I hope that's how the other parents will view this "opportunity" to be in Joan's class.  I'm sure that God has hand picked everyone in the class for HIS glory!  They may not know it yet but I know it and I can't wait to meet them all.

"Getting hearing aids"

Thursday, September 29th, 2011...God breaks me...again!  That may be a little more dramatic description now that I'm reflecting but it is what it is.  We go to get hearing aids.  Joan had decided she would try it, not that she really had a choice.  Thankfully, Todd took off work and went with us because I needed him more than I thought.  I really thought I went with no expectations.  I have learned a lot about myself over the past year.  I have had many unrealistic expectations that I should not have had regarding others in my life and also of myself.  My unrealistic expectations have been a reflection of the pride that is my hardest sin to repent of and surrender.  I'm working on it.  I really am.  I confess, I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable now writing this...Ughh!  Anyway, our sweet audiologist E prepared the molds and the hearing aids.  All I could think about was that I couldn't wait for Joan to hear our voices.  I wanted to be with her when she hears Bear and Jovi bark.  I want her to hear the birds sing or the laughter that we share.  I want to sneak up behind her and scare her because she loves to sneak up on us and scare us.  E explained to us that these were the best hearing aids available and they were as loud as they could go.  She put the aids in Joans ears and Joan cooperated fully.  She seemed a little apprehensive.  Todd and I could hear a loud humming sound that was being piped down directly into Joan's ears.  Sadly, I don't think Joan could hear the noise.  She didn't respond to our voices.  She smiled for our benefit but she was probably wondering, "what is all of this for?".  E put her in the sound booth and begin to see what benefit Joan was getting from the hearing aids.  I could hear the sounds from sitting outside of the booth that Joan couldn't hear sitting inside the booth.  God was breaking me.  My heart was breaking...I'm sad now thinking about it.  I can't explain all of the technical part of the test.  Bottom line is she hears more than she did.  She responded better to voices than to "tones".  So far, she does not have enough benefit from the hearing aids to have access to the part of her brain that she could learn to speak.  I WANTED HER TO HEAR ME SAY "I LOVE YOU!".  (All caps is me shouting...) I want her to hear anything...I want her to be able to read.   I want a plan of how we are going to educate her.  Today, God made our mountain a little higher.  He brought me back to my knees.  He brought me back to the foot of HIS cross.  Yes, I cried.  In a weird way, I think it was mourning or grieving.  I don't really know because I have never experienced what I am experiencing now.  There's also a source of great peace and joy inside of me that is saying, "the higher the mountain, the greater the glory will be when she hears and when she speaks...remember, it's in MY time".  Yes, Lord, I hear you.  I remember YOUR time.  We went over that in Uganda.  You kept me there long enough to remember the lesson of time.  This is what I know today:  I will not worry about my life, what I will eat, what I will wear.  My life is more than food and clothes.  I will learn from the ravens...they do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them.  I am more valuable than the birds!.  Worrying can not add a single hour to my life.  Since I cannot do anything but pray, why should I worry about the rest?   I will continue to praise God from whom all blessings flow.  Stay tuned.  He's going to move this mountain!

In Him,
Amiee :)