"My Brown Eyed 38 lb Mirror"

"Then Jesus said to his disciples:  "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear.  Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes.  Consider the ravens:  They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them.  And how much more valuable you are than birds!  Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?  Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?"  Luke 12: 22 - 26

"First day of school"

I feel like I say this every week but this has been a big week.  Joan started school on Monday.  She was so excited!  I was excited for her but my heart ached thinking about her being gone all day.  I feels like there is a gap in my heart because she can't tell me what she has done for the past 8 hours.  She is very good at telling me what she wants me to know.  However, she can pick and choose what to include and if I want to ask her, "who did you play with today?", we do not have enough language skills to ask and answer that question.  I am blessed that she has a teacher that has embraced Joan's strengths and weaknesses.  I remember getting new students and as much as I loved the students, it's more work than you realize to get the student acclimated into the classroom environment.  All day Monday, I wondered what she was doing...what was she thinking...  Derrick made it clear, "NO school for me mom! Me NO go to school with Joan."  He did okay without her.  Every morning, I park the car and walk Joan inside so that I can make sure that she walks with someone to class and have conversation with one of the teachers.  I'm sure eventually, I will be driving through the line and dropping her off but for now, this works best for all of us.  Well, by the second day, Joan was instructing me that all of the other parents go through the carpool line and she would like to be dropped off there.  Oh my goodness!  She is so smart and it makes me tired!  What she doesn't have with hearing, God has blessed her abundantly with her eyes and mind.  She doesn't miss anything and I mean anything.  The afternoon of the second day, I was informed that there had been a "minor" altercation on the playground involving the swings and "waiting for your turn".  DAY TWO...  trouble.  Joan is a survivor.  She has learned how to live basically on her on for most of her life.  Now, she has all of this "help" that she doesn't think she really needs.  She accepts it but in her mind she doesn't need it.  She hasn't asked for help.  It's just given to her.  Isn't that what God says about me?  "You have all of the help you need from ME...Just take it. Receive it.  I give it to you freely."  How do I respond?  Sometimes, truth be told, reluctantly, just like Joan.  Oh Lord, you've given me a 38 pound mirror with brown eyes.  Day three:  Altercation with the lunch box in the lunch line...I'm not sure all of the details about this one but the positive is that the child on the receiving end learned the sign for the word "sorry" in sign language...that's all I know.  Forgiveness...that's a hard one to learn.  That's a story for another time.  So, I guess overall school has been a positive experience for Joan and for Joan's class.  All I can say is it is a gift to learn compassion.  I hope that's how the other parents will view this "opportunity" to be in Joan's class.  I'm sure that God has hand picked everyone in the class for HIS glory!  They may not know it yet but I know it and I can't wait to meet them all.

"Getting hearing aids"

Thursday, September 29th, 2011...God breaks me...again!  That may be a little more dramatic description now that I'm reflecting but it is what it is.  We go to get hearing aids.  Joan had decided she would try it, not that she really had a choice.  Thankfully, Todd took off work and went with us because I needed him more than I thought.  I really thought I went with no expectations.  I have learned a lot about myself over the past year.  I have had many unrealistic expectations that I should not have had regarding others in my life and also of myself.  My unrealistic expectations have been a reflection of the pride that is my hardest sin to repent of and surrender.  I'm working on it.  I really am.  I confess, I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable now writing this...Ughh!  Anyway, our sweet audiologist E prepared the molds and the hearing aids.  All I could think about was that I couldn't wait for Joan to hear our voices.  I wanted to be with her when she hears Bear and Jovi bark.  I want her to hear the birds sing or the laughter that we share.  I want to sneak up behind her and scare her because she loves to sneak up on us and scare us.  E explained to us that these were the best hearing aids available and they were as loud as they could go.  She put the aids in Joans ears and Joan cooperated fully.  She seemed a little apprehensive.  Todd and I could hear a loud humming sound that was being piped down directly into Joan's ears.  Sadly, I don't think Joan could hear the noise.  She didn't respond to our voices.  She smiled for our benefit but she was probably wondering, "what is all of this for?".  E put her in the sound booth and begin to see what benefit Joan was getting from the hearing aids.  I could hear the sounds from sitting outside of the booth that Joan couldn't hear sitting inside the booth.  God was breaking me.  My heart was breaking...I'm sad now thinking about it.  I can't explain all of the technical part of the test.  Bottom line is she hears more than she did.  She responded better to voices than to "tones".  So far, she does not have enough benefit from the hearing aids to have access to the part of her brain that she could learn to speak.  I WANTED HER TO HEAR ME SAY "I LOVE YOU!".  (All caps is me shouting...) I want her to hear anything...I want her to be able to read.   I want a plan of how we are going to educate her.  Today, God made our mountain a little higher.  He brought me back to my knees.  He brought me back to the foot of HIS cross.  Yes, I cried.  In a weird way, I think it was mourning or grieving.  I don't really know because I have never experienced what I am experiencing now.  There's also a source of great peace and joy inside of me that is saying, "the higher the mountain, the greater the glory will be when she hears and when she speaks...remember, it's in MY time".  Yes, Lord, I hear you.  I remember YOUR time.  We went over that in Uganda.  You kept me there long enough to remember the lesson of time.  This is what I know today:  I will not worry about my life, what I will eat, what I will wear.  My life is more than food and clothes.  I will learn from the ravens...they do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them.  I am more valuable than the birds!.  Worrying can not add a single hour to my life.  Since I cannot do anything but pray, why should I worry about the rest?   I will continue to praise God from whom all blessings flow.  Stay tuned.  He's going to move this mountain!

In Him,
Amiee :)

"Amazing Grace"

"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."  John 14:18

We've been busy.  I don't know exactly what we've been doing but I am tired.  We had the SOZO fundraising weekend last week and it was amazing!  Joel didn't get to come like we had hoped but that just means God has something else planned.  I talked with Joel a few days ago.  I know he was disappointed but in "Joel style", he claimed the blessings that the Lord has given him and didn't dwell on the embassy's decision to tell him to travel other places, come back to Uganda, then reapply to the American Embassy for a visa.  It doesn't really make sense to me but in this day of post  911, it's what we have to work with.  There are still more children that need to be sponsored.  There are many suffering beyond comprehension.  Before I went to Africa, I pondered the fact that Joan and Derrick's birth mother and birth father are not dead.  "Are they really orphans?", I would ask myself.  The answer is yes, they are are orphans of orphans.  It's hard for me to comprehend the emotions I have about Ronald and Jalia.  I do know this...I love them.  I pray for them.  I will raise Joan and Derrick to love them and pray for them to come to know the Lord.  Maybe they already know the Lord.  That's not really for me to judge.   I don't know if I will ever see them again.  I would like to.  I would like to make sure than when Joan and Derrick get to heaven, they will be there with them.  I pray that their decision to surrender their children to our family blesses their life abundantly like it has blessed mine.  I pray that through this journey of adoption the pain from the suffering that the people of Kabalagala endure subsides enough so that they will know they are loved and they are also God's chosen people.  I pray that they know that God will not leave them as orphans and HE will come to them.  Maybe they already have...I can only pray that they experience HIS Amazing Grace!

In His precious name,

Amiee

p.s.  Let me know if you would like to sponsor one of Joan and Derrick friends through SOZO. I can help you get started :)

"When can I go to school?"

"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me."  John 10:27

"Two sheep"

What a week!  I'd have to look back at my calendar to remember all of the appointments we had but let me say, we made a lot of progress with "wellness".  Joan and Derrick are very healthy!  Thank the Lord for the good news that we received.  There were a couple of times they didn't want to get in the car because they thought it would mean "shots"...I can't say that I blame them. We saw the doctor at the International Adoption Clinic Monday morning.  I thought we would be there an hour.  We were there about 4 hours.  I'm thankful they were so thorough but I should have packed a snack or activities for the kids but I didn't.  It went well.  We got the information regarding the ages of their "bones".  Based on the x-rays of their wrists, Joan "could be" 7 or 8 and Derrick "could be" 5 or 6" years of age.  I was a little disappointed with this news because for me, it makes school a little more challenging.  Todd took x-rays of them at their "dental appointments".  Joan has her 6 year molars and Derrick is not even close to loosing any baby teeth.  Developmentally, Derrick is very young.  To me, Joan seems to be developmentally 7 to 8 years old.  However, when you are trying to decide where to put her in school, it's difficult because she doesn't have a "language" that will help her  communicate with her teachers or peers.  I am not equipped to home school her.  She needs speech therapy, maybe occupational therapy, and an interpreter.  Right now, I know God is calling me to be her mother and her advocate.  She is so smart.  Once her "language" is established, she is going to learn quickly and I believe that she will catch up rapidly.  She is a leader and she will lead.  My concern is this,  if the judge doesn't allow us to change the age on their birth certificates, Joan could be 16 years old in the 8th grade and Derrick will never get to play sports with his peers.  My first thought is, "that's not fair to them".  That "first thought" is what my pride looks like.  Pride is what makes me take back from God what I have claimed to already have given HIM.  So, I am going to continue to pray for God's hand in these children's lives and I am not going to pick "my pride" back up.  The world will tell me that "it's my decision".   It may be "my decision" but it's not in my control how God uses this decision.  They  are my children on loan from my Heavenly Father that loves them more than I do.  I will pray for God's hand to guide the judge, the doctors, and the teachers.  I will not put my hope in them.  My hope will be in the Father that loves them more than I can dream of, the Father that has protected them since before they were born into this world whenever that day and year was.  He will protect them.  He always has.  Okay, this is the hard part...Joan sees Laurel and Coleman go to school everyday.  She has been asking me, "When can I go to school?  Is it today?"  I keep telling her, "Not today."  It makes my heart ache a little to think about sending her to school.  It makes my heart ache that Coleman and Laurel are in school most of our waking hours and I miss them.  I decided it was time to take a tour of the school for Joan and I.  As soon as I pulled up in the parking lot, I got teary eyed because I could feel the old feelings of waiting in carpool line for Laurel and Coleman.  WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE!  I've had these children in my lives for 10 months and I when I think about them going to school all day, I have no less emotions than I did when Laurel and Coleman started school.  My heart aches thinking about it.  Anyway, we went into the school and Joan went right around the reception desk to the secretary and gave her a big hug.  Evidently, they have met before and Joan was right at home in the office.  Derrick was standing close by me, not moving.  We met the assistant principal.  I have talked with her on the phone several times and she has been very kind to me.  I have tried to "talk her out" of Joan beginning school.  She will not accept any of my "reasons/excuses".  She is excited about having her and I am blessed that she has received Joan in this way.  I watched Joan the entire time.  She soaked it all in!  The bathrooms, the halls, the desks, the name tags...she took it all in.  She met the music teacher, the art teacher, the custodians, and several teachers.  She is not the least bit inhibited to start school.  Ms. Sallie introduced her to her p.e. class.  This was a moment I will never forget.  She explained to them that Joan was "deaf" and that means she can't hear our voices but she uses sign language to communicate.  Those children were totally focused on Joan.  Joan immediately started signing her name to them and of course she told them to sign her name.  They did exactly what she instructed them to do.   Then, she started "talking" to them.  When I hear Joan talk, it brings tears to my eyes.  God has given her a voice and she intends on using it.  The children never took their eyes off of her.  She demanded their attention and they gave it to her.  The presence of the Lord was in that gym yesterday.   Rays of Hope, SOZO and orphans from Africa were in the gym yesterday.  God's power to heal was in the gym.  God's perfect timing and plan were in the gym.  Whoever gets to be Joan's teacher is going to learn more from her than they teach her.  I have.   Does she really understand what she is asking for wanting to start school?  I don't know.  I do know that she hears HIM, He knows her and she will follow HIM.  I feel that way about Laurel, Coleman and Derrick as well.  Lord, help me to learn from my children to listen to YOU, remember that YOU know me, and give me the courage to follow YOU everyday.  It's that simple.  Don't let my pride make it harder for me than it is. 

In Him,

Amiee

"Hearing aids may be like scrambled eggs..."

Psalm 139: 2-4 "You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar.  You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways.  Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, you know it altogether."

The best sister in the world, "Laurel".

The most loving brother in the world, "Coleman"!

This week in Alabama it turned "cold"...the temperature was 55-58 degrees and Joan and Derrick went outside and came back in and said, "momma, it's cold outside!"  We ran to Belk and got pants and jackets for them.  They have probably never experienced colder weather than 50 degrees in their lives.  Are they going to be in for a surprise in a couple of months!  Joan told me last Wednesday she was ready to start school.  She sees Coleman and Laurel go to school everyday.  I think we are close to being ready for school.  Derrick said he does not want to go to school.  He is happy with his cars and trains all day.  He enjoys his afternoon nap and sometimes will remind me that "it's time for me to sleep."  Precious...every moment with all of my children is precious.  I miss Laurel and Coleman being home with me.  Joan and Derrick's relationship reminds me very much of Laurel and Coleman's relationship..."thick as thieves".  Todd and I saw the audiologist on Thursday.  I'm so thankful Todd went with me.  There is so much information to gather and still so much to consider.  We have changed gears from adoption, to raising orphans, to raising a deaf child.  Every layer is detailed and complicated.  Every layer is more information to process and pray about.  Joan has told us, "I do not want to hear.  I am happy the way I am."  We'll, she didn't want to try scrambled eggs until we made her and now she eats two or three a day as soon as she wakes up.  Maybe the hearing aids will be like the scrambled eggs, a nice surprise that has improved her quality of life.  She choose light pink with silver sparkles for the molds that will hold her hearing aids.  We will go back in 3 weeks and she will hear our voices for the first time.  What will that be like for her?  I get teary eyed thinking about it.  Todd and I have thought from the very beginning that her "deafness" protected her during her time in Uganda.   What will her deafness do for her for her life in America...in Birmingham, AL?  God only knows.  Discussing all the options for Joan to become "hearing" is more difficult than I thought... I know I can only process one day at a time.  I know God is putting people in our path that will show us the way.  HE is mapping it out for us.  I have to be still and listen to HIM and know that HE is in control.  HE has known from the beginning of time how HE intends to use her and her deafness.  I am praying that HE heals her...not from her deafness but from the scars from her past that she can't communicate to us.  I'm praying that I can learn sign language quickly and that I'm not to old to retain it.  I'm praying that I begin taking better care of myself so that I have the energy it takes to have a deaf member in my family.  It's more difficult than I thought it would be.  All of our communication is face to face.  When she closes her eyes, there is no communication except when I pick her up and hold her and remind her that I am here for her and that I love her no matter what.  She is strong willed and thank the good LORD for that because she is going to have to be to learn to communicate.  I pray that when Joan feels uncomfortable in the "hearing world", she feels the presence of the Lord in her life and that she will surrender to HIM, his will for her.  I pray that HE equips us, her family and the body of Christ, to support her and that I keep my eyes on HIM and not the world.  I have total faith in HIM and His design of my life.  HE is going to use Joan in a mighty way.  He has chosen Laurel as her sister and Coleman as her brother, Todd for her father and me for her mother.  It was not a coincidence but by HIS perfect design.  HE has known it all.  Lord, help me to rest in YOU today!  Help me to give all I have away!

In His precious name,

Amiee