"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go:  I will counsel you and watch over you."  Psalm 32:7

Old Baker's Farm 2011

Waiting for the Hayride

The next scripture after Psalm 32:8 instructs us "not to be be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit an bridle or they will not come to you."  Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the joy of my life that I don't allow myself to remember that it's also difficult.  When I don't get enough rest and when I miss my morning quiet time, I gradually begin to slip into my old habit of believing the lie that Satan tells me, "you are in control".  I have had a difficult time this week.  It all seems to catch up with me gradually.  There wasn't any one thing that made it difficult but it has been hard.  I have scheduled our second rounds of shots for the kids.  They will each get 5 more next Friday.  That will be fun.  We have added an antibiotic for Joan because she has a parasite.  She has to take this medicine 3 times a day so I have to go to school and give her the second dose.  This medicine makes her not want to eat and she is already skin and bones.  She has started gagging when I give it to her.  She has a ring worm on her face that we have already treated once but it has come back.  I can't remember to send the library book back on Thursdays.  We couldn't find shoes or jackets this morning.  Coleman forgot the lunch that I made for him.  We start speech therapy today and before that, we have to go into the health department to pick up RX for the 9 month TB therapy that we have begun.  Everyone's pants that we just bought 3 - 4 weeks ago are to short...even Coleman's.  I forgot to put Joan's hearing aids in today...I'm sure there is more that I have forgotten but maybe you can see why my quiet time and sleep are so important to me and my family.  Here's my main issue...Oh, this is hard to say...Joan has had some behavior problems at school.  I don't know how to handle them with her.  Actually, I do know how to handle them with her but I don't like how "conflict" makes me feel.  Derrick has begun to share some unpleasant "things" from the past...things that no child should ever know about.  It makes me angry and sad.   I'm thankful that he is communicating these things with me.  I listen to him.  I love him.  I praise him.  I hold him.  He came up to me one morning while I was getting dressed this week and said, "Momma, I'm never leaving you."  I said, "I'm never leaving you baby."  He is able to tell me what is on his heart...even if it's in broken English with a mild lisp and a stutter.  Joan, pushes her friends and breaks in line in the library.  Maybe this means, "some hard things happened to me in my past and I want you to know about it."  Her communication has consequences...right or wrong it has to happen.  Yes, we have struggled with lining up again this week.  What if she's trying to tell me something and I don't know it? The "deaf" part of our life right now is very challenging to me.  It affects everyone in our family. She's so tired when school is over that really all we get is what's left over of her small tiny body and her enormous desire to experience her new world.  But, honestly, it's difficult.  I don't want to spend less time with her.  I want to spend more time with her.  I want to know her better than she knows herself.  I want to protect her from ever being hurt or wronged again because she has experienced enough pain for a life time.  Pridefully, that's what I want for all of my children.  The reason I say "pridefully" is because it leads me to believe that I am in control.  I am not in control.  HE is because I have surrendered this to HIM.  Even if I hadn't surrendered "control"  I'm still not in control because I'm powerless.  The question is, am I making it harder than it should be?  Am I making her choices about how it reflects on me as a parent?  Or, is this normal behavior that will be her way of communicating with us so we know when she is struggling because I don't think Joan has a mean bone in her body.   How can I communicate better with her?  I don't know.  I don't want to be the horse or the mule that has no understanding, that has to be controlled by the bit and bridle...I want the Lord's unfailing love because I trust in HIM.  (Psalm 32:10)  I'm mad that my children were exposed to unthinkable sins.  I'm mad.  Mad is not a comfortable emotion for me and I don't even like to admit it.  I want to spend more time with them not less.  This is what I know for sure...the pain and uncomfortableness in my life has always drawn me nearer to my Heavenly Father.  He has used times of grieving and pain as a time to refine me and to know HIM better...to know His ways better.  I pray that this is what I can teach my children.  I can't protect them from the fallen world that we live in but they have a Saviour that can.  I can try and hide it from them but inevitably when I least expect it and before I know it, they will discover on their own that sin is a part of the world and we all sin.  Their Heavenly Father knows the pain in their hearts and He can heal them.  So, when they share their pain with me I can listen and pray that they will put their hope in Him because I am powerless.  When they have bad days at school, I will still love them and so will HE.  I will pray for them everyday that He will equip me to love them well and that HE will teach me in the way I should go.  He is watching over us!  He has brought us together for HIS glory.  HIS glory can shine through us through the pain and the suffering if we will allow it to. If I hadn't had times of suffering in my life, I wouldn't have needed my unfailing Saviour.  Suffering is how HE's led me to "need" HIM.  Father, help me to keep my knees at the foot of YOUR cross.  Equip me to teach my children to know YOUR ways.   Help me to remember that YOU are in control and that I have already surrendered to YOUR will.  :) Thanks for letting me share.

In HIS grip,
Amiee