"My confession"

Psalm 143: 5-6 "I remember the days of long ago; I mediate on all your works and consider what your hands have done.  I spread out my hands to you my soul thirsts for you like a parched land."

I have been in Uganda for 27 days today.  We started this process January 16, 2011 and I was physically with Joan and Derrick in less than 6 months after the process had started.  I give that information more for myself than for you because I need to remember and give thanks for the time that this has all taken place.  God has led the way through this process.  That is the only explanation for how quickly this has happened.  When I go back and look at the miracles that have happened, I am amazed that around every corner, every piece of paper work, every person that I have come in contact with I see God.  HIS hands have carved our family into 6 instead of 4, 2 girls, 2 boys, 20 years of marriage, 2 dogs, a wonderful home, and love for each other that is the greatest gift of my life.  God has been with me through the trials and the victories.  God has blessed me beyond measure and if I didn't know that before, after 27 days in Uganda, I cannot deny how HE has shown favor over me.  All I have to do is walk outside the gates of SOZO and see a life that I cannot comprehend.  For my eyes to see some of what I've seen, it's almost as confusing to me as trying to understand the language of Luganda.  It puzzles me, overwhelms me, blesses me and confirms me that God is in control and His ways are higher than my ways.  Today, I am confessing that with all that I know in my heart about God, my flesh is still full of "self".  I should know by now that I am not in control but for some reason, I keep taking back what I have already surrendered.  So, my question to myself is, "Have I really surrendered this to God?"  Oh how I would like to talk to Mark Lacey right now!  I can identify the "ways of the world" now in this moment so easily.  My flesh still desires to be "of the world".  I still desire to be comfortable.  God is refining me and I know it so why can't I let my control go?  My friend Meg, who may be my biggest "cheerleader" had some interesting perspective for me.  She said don't feel guilty for wanting to come home that God designed me to be a caretaker and I shouldn't feel bad about wanting to come home.  She is right.  Being a caretaker is the gift that God gave me and I know that.  But yesterday, I became deflated because I was not coming home the day I had planned to come home.  I let that news be about me instead of thanking God for what He has already blessed me with.  When I came to Uganda, I came knowing that I may have to leave Joan and Derrick behind.  Our mighty God said, "no...take them with you".  The sin is that I always want one more thing and I don't stay thankful for the amazing ways God has blessed my life.  I live a week at a time instead of one day at a time.  Joel reminded me yesterday that Joan and Derrick are God's children, not mine.  That is true for all of the children of the world...even the naked, fatherless, homeless children.  HE loves them all more than I do.  HE has prepared a place for them.  My job is to let them know that HE loves them.  For me, the ways of "this world" Uganda, slums of Kabalagala, have been just as distracting as the busyness we have in America.  My cell phone and computer don't work half the time here and I'm still distracted.  The victory will not be in coming home.  The victory for me will be overcoming the distractions of this part of the world.  The victory will be sharing the love of Christ to the people that God puts in my path today.  I have to remember to live one day at a time.  I am better at being still but I'm not better at waiting.  This is why God has me here.  I knew it yesterday in my heart.  I can't tell you how much the scriptures that you send to me sustain me.  God's word is more precious to me today than 27 days ago.  He has answered every prayer request that I have petitioned HIM for and I know HE is with me today. Thank you for listening to me confess my sin.  Thank you for your prayers.  To God Be the Glory!

In His grip,

Amiee